Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, being nothing. ~ Aristotle
Why do we seek approval? Because we didn’t get it when we needed it. Simples
I am showing you this article from the brilliant Irene Cohen that explains the need for approval far better than I.
How to Let Go of the Need for Approval
And live the life you want.
Posted July 13, 2018 | Reviewed by Jessica SchraderTweet
“Queen of social chameleons, I mastered the art of telling people what they wanted to hear and being someone they would find impressive—all the while worrying incessantly about what others thought of me, fearing criticism, and holding myself back as a result.” –Sacha Crouch
Source: Dmytro Zinkevych/Shutterstock
It usually starts out as a logical tactic. We gain others’ approval, make them happy for a moment, and feel pretty good about ourselves. It seems like the perfect path to take—and it’s one we can continue on for many years, believing it’s reducing our anxiety about disapproval in our daily lives. In actuality, it can work pretty well in getting people to like us. We avoid having them disapprove of our actions, and we get to enjoy that nice pat on the back every once in a while. But there will come a time when the constant seeking of approval—the very solution to our problems—will run its course. And that very behavior that brought us so many feelings of accomplishment will become the problem itself.
When we urgently aim to please other people, we’re seeking approval of self from outside sources. And whenever we reach for something in the outside world to give us what we should be giving ourselves, we set ourselves up for disappointment. We set ourselves up to live a life we don’t particularly want, but will fit with what other people expect of us. We don’t dare take a chance on something that may bring on a disapproving stare or rank low on the social status meter. We do what’s expected of us. We do what others want for us and from us. In return, we get their approval. You might be thinking, “Why not seek approval?” Well, the reason is that we only get it at the expense of knowing what we want and being our true selves. When we seek others’ approval, we miss opportunities to learn how to approve of ourselves—even if others don’t.
How Is Approval-Seeking Holding You Back From Your True Self?
Without realizing it, you may be negatively impacting your effectiveness by seeking others’ approval. This is because you probably avoid doing things that are important to you, feel anxious about trying new things outside your comfort zone, and get stuck worrying about what others might expect from you. Needing approval may lead you to reject potential opportunities because you’re too anxious and believe your performance has to be perfect. It may cause you to fear failing so much that you give up before you start.
This is why it’s important to focus on how your need for approval is holding you back from doing tasks that are important to you. Once you move past this, you’ll be free to achieve and create what you want in life with much less stress, because you won’t be so consumed with worrying about what others will think.
Even though you’re probably a high achiever, who regularly gets seemingly positive results, you’re often getting those results at the expense of everything else. When you’re driven to achieve solely because you want to impress others, you wind up doing too much, feeling overwhelmed, getting lost in your thoughts about your challenges, people-pleasing, overworking, avoiding making time for yourself, and constantly finding yourself unable to say no.article continues after advertisement
If you can relate, try focusing on how your need for approval is pushing you to do too much, instead of participating in things that are important to you. When you find yourself getting hurt by doing things for others at the expense of yourself, it’s time to make a change.
The Importance of Knowing Yourself
When others’ acceptance of you impacts how you make decisions about where to spend your time, you lose awareness of what’s important to you, what drives you, and what makes you happy. You might feel stuck doing work you don’t particularly enjoy and continue habits that are counterproductive. If this feels true for you, it’s time to focus your energy on getting in touch with what really matters to you. Start asking yourself questions like: What do I value? What keeps me awake at night? How is it that I prefer to spend my time? Start to listen to what you really want for your life, and align your actions with your values, principles, and goals. When you live in line with what you value, your life becomes much simpler and more effortless.
Instead of making decisions based on what others will approve of, start making them based on what’s right for you. When you make conscious choices about how to spend your time and are committed to doing what’s valuable to you, you’re able to create your own life. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t need to be—or appear—constantly busy in order to be successful. As an alternative, you can see success as a measure of doing what matters to you.
Say Goodbye to the Need for Approval!
This all begins with building the strength to go with what feels right for you. When you start doing this, you’ll no longer feel the urge to seek validation from other people. Start to become more self-aware, and pay attention to what behaviors make you feel good about yourself, regardless of how other people react. Reflect on and pay attention to choices you’ve made, things you like about yourself, or times you’ve stayed true to yourself.article continues after advertisement
You have to start being honest with yourself when you take on a new commitment and really evaluate whether you’re doing it because it’s right for you, or because you want to gain approval and/or avoid disapproval.
Take your time before saying yes to a new task or commitment. Take a step back, sit down and review your schedule, then ask yourself: What’s really necessary and important, and what’s being driven by people-pleasing? Once this is clear, start slowly working through the approval-seeking list so you can re-evaluate. When you start noticing what you aren’t doing for yourself in order to gain other people’s approval, it will be easier for you to eliminate those tasks and replace them with things that allow for the growth of your personal goals.
I know how difficult it can be to change your approval-seeking behaviors. It isn’t easy to start making decisions that could potentially be disapproved of by others. You probably started seeking approval for a very good reason; in some situations, it probably seemed like the easier, less dramatic choice for you to make. Under certain circumstances, failing to seek other people’s approval can end in immediate negative consequences. However, avoiding confrontations time after time will have you living a life that’s missing your true values, which will inevitably have you questioning your worth as a person. Both paths bring their own set of negative consequences, so it’s ultimately up to you. But don’t forget: It is a choice, and the choice is ultimately up to you
About the Author
Ilene S. Cohen, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist and blogger, who teaches in the Department of Counseling at Barry Unive
To read more of Dr. Cohen’s articles visit http://doctorilene.com , Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn
If you want to read more on this topic here is a link to TinyBuddha.
Sorry but for myself I think it is very hard to stop try to seek approval. Whatever happened back then is so ingrained that even at the age of 68 I spend my whole time trying to help or please people. Here are some notes I made clarifying my need for approval:-
Started seeking approval for a very good reason – failing to gain approval can cause immediate negative consequences.
Fear of not gaining approval has a negative effect on myself by avoiding doing things that are important to me. Needing approval leads me to reject potential opportunities because you are too anxious as you fear failing so much you give up before you start.
Below is a tapping script by Tapping4U to release the need for approval. Feel the need, feel the anxiety and remember the pain from the score of 1 – 10 ten being the strongest.
Need for Approval
Even though I seek approval for all the things I do I accept how I feel
Even though I seek approval for all the things I create I accept how I feel
Especially because I seek approval for all my achievements from the people around me, this makes me stuck, can’t move forward, can’t succeed I accept myself
EB Always seeking approval
SE It doesn’t make me feel better
UE It causes negative consequences
UN Causing negative impacts on myself
UM Causing stress and anxiety
CB This need for approval stops me gaining my goals
UA Rejecting potential opportunities
TOH Fear of failing -anxiety wins
EB I need to move past this
SE This need for approval
UE That actually holds me back
UN From all
UM I need to move on from this stress
CB This fear of failure
UA Move on from the consuming worry of what others think
TOH or what they may say
EB So I didn’t gain the approval I needed as a child
SE Making me feel a failure
UE Giving me this need to prove my childhood wrong
UN I am not a failure
UM I can move on from this need of approval
CB The past is behind me
UA The people I needed approval from are no longer there
TOH Time to release this hold from the past
EB Release this negativity
SE Release the all-consuming need
UE Step by step
UN Realise my own values not theirs
UM Realise my worth
UA Moving Forward
CB No more need for approval
TOH Moving forward, approving of myself.
Reflect on how you are feeling. If your emotion hasn’t gone down much either repeat above script or do the 9 Gamut Procedure and then do the next script
Script 2 Not enough attention
Even though I didn’t get the attention I needed from my family when I was growing up I accept who I am.
Even though when growing up I needed more attention than I got I accept who I am.
Even though not getting enough the attention I needed made me feel unloved I accept this.
EB I didn’t get the attention I needed
SE It made me feel rejected
UE Not getting the attention made me feel alone
UN I didn’t feel seen
UM I didn’t feel heard
CB I didn’t feel important
UA Nobody interested
TOH I didn’t matter
EB No how hard I tried I just didn’t get the attention I needed
SE Not heard
UE Not seen
UN Just there
CB Don’t matter
TOH So sad
EB I know they didn’t know
SE I know they did their best
UE No time
UN So busy
UM Not enough time for all
CB They didn’t know
TOH Not enough time
EB I need to let the sadness go
SE So you are not like your family
UE So you didn’t do well at school
UN In all their eyes I was useless
UM OR is it all in my own mind
CB IS it me creating all this inferioty
UA Feeling inferior
TOH So inferior
EB BUT are you
SE You are You
UE You were made differently to them
UN YOU are you
UM You are an individual
CB Time to live by your standards
UA Time to release you
TOH Time to crack the protective shell you have hidden in
EB Hiding from pain
SE Hiding from conflict
UE Hiding from lonliness
UN Hiding from sadness
UM Hiding from myself
UA So insecure
TOH It is time to let it all go
EB You can put your head out there
SE Be the you that is hidden away
UE Release the sadness
UN You don’t need attention
UM You have attention
CB You have YOU
TOH Be YOU
Written with emotion by tapping4u
I do hope these scripts will help. You might want to try script 2 first followed on by script Adapt each script to your own life experiences.
As usual you must take full responsibility for your own health